I like a guy. Isn't that ridiculous? I feel like I'm too old now for this shit. What's worse, I don't really know how to react at all- I haven't really had a "crush" on anyone since high school and the playing field has waaay changed since then. And I wasn't exactly hitting home runs back then to begin with! Wow, lame baseball analogies.
It sucks. I wish I could rip out the part of my brain that controls this, only not really. But in the sense that I feel like I have no control over myself and it makes me feel crappy. And it also makes me feel really fake- I'm all about preaching the importance of independence and not relying on boyfriends to get you through the day and all that ladeda, and then what do I do? I completely let this control me. I WANT this. Why can't I just not care so much? Why can't I be cool and controlled and have a come-what-may attitude?
I also embarass myself a lot. It's not that I'm really "nervous" per say around him, at least not in the sense that I get nervous when I have to speak in front of a class- that's quite a show I'm sure. I practically start puking I get myself so freaked out when I have to do that. But yeah, it's not that I'm really nervous, but I guess I sort of am because I always say really stupid things that I never would normally. Like completely nonsensical things, or I'll flatout contradict myself from one sentence to the next, or I don't even know. I feel like most people aren't this retarded in these sort of situations. Highly unfortunate.
I just feel like this makes me a very pathetic person. WHICH I HATE. I do not like being pathetic. I do not like having crushes on people. Is this even appropriate for my age?? Do people even HAVE crushes anymore? I am too behind the times. I live in my own little world based too much on books and stories that AREN'T REAL LIFE. Life is not like that. No one will magically come and be in love with you. No one should need magical love, really.
It's kind of funny last summer I was all old person reminiscing and being like "I remember back when I had crushes. Man, that was fun, the whole excitment of not knowing. I wish that still happened." (reminiscing because I had a boyfriend for a year, so obviously, didn't have any real crushes for a while).
What a looney bin thought. I mean, yeah, it can be sort of exciting and creates a nice bit of drama to help get you through the boring parts of the day but at the same time it can also be exquisitely painful. I have had lower self-confidence lately than I've had in a long time, because everytime I get ignored I wonder, Is he really busy or is he just too nice to actually tell me he doesn't want to hang out? Am I really a fun person to be around or am I just an annoyance to people? When people look at me do they think I look cute or at least decent or do they see the fat on my belly and my weird teeth and wonder why I even bother trying to cover up all my glaring flaws?
It also sucks because I just start off being friends with these people, this person, so it makes me feel so bad, like what if they found out I liked them? Presuming they didn't feel the same way, I feel like- well okay, switching perspective, if I found out someone liked me and had been hanging out with me a lot and I didn't like them back, I would feel like they had just been hanging out with me because they wanted to get with me or whatever. But that's not why I want to hang out and whatever! I just like having friends and hanging out with people! But my whole "take risks in life" desire must fall flat because taking the risk probably means losing a friend I don't want to lose. Because I feel like they would misinterpret why I want to hang out. And then.... oh, bother, whatever.
It's silly that I'm writing this in a blog. But I really feel like I have to write this to someone that isn't myself, and it's okay that I'm only speaking to all of like, 3 people, that is actually sort of ideal. Since no one knows me here: very ideal!
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